I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
