so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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