Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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