i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
