I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
