Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
