I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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