she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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