We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
