just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize