Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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