Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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