Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
