come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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