So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
