I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
