You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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