She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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