so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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