i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
