i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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