my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
