Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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