i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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