last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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