Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
