True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
