i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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