Jerry, you need to find god
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
