I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
