i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
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