The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
