Pants 0. Shit 1.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize