Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
