I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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