Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
