Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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