does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
