genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
