After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
