How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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