even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
