Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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