so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
