Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
