i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
