As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I can't put those talents on a resume
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
