the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
