Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize