He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
