Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
