Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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