if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
