Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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