just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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