I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
