Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
