a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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