You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
