drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
