Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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