My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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