Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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