Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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