I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
