1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
