He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
