i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
