so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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