I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
