alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Green mimosas i think yes
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
