You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
and eventually we just all took our pants off
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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