i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
